If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball

All is right in the world again. Brad and I are on the same page, and we are both thinking marriage. It's nice to be at this place.

Friday night he came over and we went to the lake and talked while he fished (and caught nothing). While I was not in the mood to be serious or have any serious talks, we did end up getting out the last of the issues that were bothering us. I yelled at one point - it was quite liberating - to get my point across about him making me feel unimportant. He responded that he doesn't think of me as second-rate. That I am very important to him and that nothing he does is more important than I am. I liked that response.

He also said that he isn't going anywhere. That he wants this to work and he'll do whatever it takes and work as hard as he has to for us to be together. I said likewise. He also said that he's still learning about this relationship stuff and I just need to be patient with him. Also, once haying season is done, we'll get to spend more time together. I told him that as long as it gets better (as in spending more time with him) then I can deal with how it is right now.

Then when he dropped me off and walked me to my front door, he said how he thinks about me more than I realize, and that I'm filling a void that's been empty. And he talked about how he's trying to think of things "when we're married." Hmm. So, yes, I do believe that we will be getting married. We just have to fine tune a few things, but I know both of us want each other, and this relationship.

Who knew the hell I went through a few weeks ago could turn out this wonderfully?? All I have to say is Praise the Lord!!

Horoscope

What relationships do you need to be concerned with? The current configuration suggests there are issues that need addressing. If this is the case, try to assert yourself more than is normal for you. Your natural humility sometimes pushes you to retreat and afterwards you feel bad about it. You may fear speaking up because you don't want to jeopardize your relationship. But you have rights too! Don't be afraid to express them!

This is my horoscope for today - which actually kind of fits because I need to be assertive and call Brad more and be more vocal about what I need. He's told me what he needs, but I need stuff from this relationship, too.

Sorry, someday I may blog about other things than my relationship!!!

The Talk: Part 2

First of all, thank you all for your prayers - they really helped. It's amazing how much power God has.

Secondly, we had our talk Friday night- and he didn't break up with me. Basically, we talked a lot about how we both can start to be part of each other's lives, and he brought up a lot of issues that he had concerns about, and I brought up some of mine (and I did bring up how he was a jerk when I called him 2 weeks ago when he was sick, so we got that straight).

He made it seem like he wants to work at this, and then Saturday when we talked again, he did say that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had so far, and that he hoped I'll be the best ever. I like to hear those things.

So, I guess we'll see how it goes from here on out. I told him that I felt like I was on the bottom of his food chain and I wanted to be a part of his life, not just "fit in" where it was convenient for him. He told me that he didn't want to scare me off with his lifestyle (being on the fire dpt. he sees a lot of things and he didn't want me to be scared by what he sees and the danger he's in.) I told him that 1) I'd rather have the chance to be scared off than be pushed away, 2) he can't let that be his excuse or cop out for not trying to make me a part of his life. I said that I didn't always want to hear "I didn't want to scare you off" when, in fact, he was just being selfish or lazy about letting me in. I also told him that I'm fiercely loyal and once I make up my mind to do something, I stick it out no matter what. And I also pointed out that I have an immense faith and that it would take a lot for me not to be able to handle things because when I can't, God can.

My only fear at this point is that nothing will change and I still won't be important enough for him to try to include me in his life, and that he won't have time. So that is what will be the end of us if we both don't try.

And he said that I am free to tell him when he's being an ass. Which I think I'll have to do from now on. No more bottling up my feelings. We'll have to get down and serious to make this work, which I think both of us want. Now we'll just see if we can actually do it.

The Talk

So, after not seeing Brad for over two weeks and not hearing from him for over a week, I called him this morning to see what was going on. (Needless to say I was scared to death.)

He called back and said that we need to sit down and talk. The guy said this. Usually the girl says this. I am not looking forward to our talk. Even though he claims he's still interested and that the talk is not going to be a bad talk. I am still skeptical.

So my request is this, dear readers: Please pray for me. Even if you don't pray, please pray. I would hate to lose him. So pray our talk doesn't break my heart and that if it does, that I have the strength not to die.

Queso Chihuahua

Yeah. So, I passed a semi-truck bearing the above phrase yesterday. Now, am I wrong - and I very well may be, because I don't remember a lick of Spanish - but isn't a Chihuahua a dog? And doesn't Queso mean cheese? Why would someone be transporting a cheesey dog? Who would sell that?!!

A skinless dog, maybe. But not a cheesey dog. Unless they mean hot dogs, but that's still gross.

Sometimes, the thoughts of my mind scare me!!

You're The One With A Candy Shell.....On It.....

For future reference, if this relationship with Brad doesn't withstand the current hardships and goes to hell, please shoot me if I ever mention getting involved with someone ever again.

I may not be able to have a husband and children, but being alone may be the way to go. I understand that there are "for better or worse" clauses to any relationship. But, damn! The "worse" parts of being single go away with a romantic movie and chocolate. This relationship crap is HARD.

Especially when you care so deeply about the person and they're being poopy. It's so hard not to know what to do.

God Loves Me!

The other night I was going to get a drink of water, and I wanted some ice. My mom had gotten to the kitchen and the freezer first, and she was putting ice in her glass. I stood there waiting for her to pass me the ice tray, but she just kept filling her glass with ice.

Finally, she was done - after she had used all the ice. So, I said (in true Napoleon style) "Stay home and eat all the chips, Kip!"

I didn't get any ice.

On Wednesday night, my mom, grandma, aunt and I went to Concerts on the Square. Now, no one in my family (except for the males) ever swear. It is the same on my mom's and dad's sides of the family.

We were driving along, trying to manuvere through Madison traffic. I was staring out the window, wondering why anyone would want to live in the City, but, whatever. When all of a sudden, I hear my aunt say, "Don't even think I'm going to let you in here......asshole." I was completely shocked. But I laughed. A lot. (My aunt is this little ity bity thing, too. It was just funny!)

Also, I was talking to Brad last night and he said that he couldn't get his house, that it will be more like a year. All I have to say to that is: Alleluia!!!

Not that I don't ever want to move in with him, but I don't want to move in with him now. So soon. Now I don't have to make that decision. I have had many sleepless nights because of it, so now I hope I can rest easier.

And, this way we can just date like normal people, instead of moving forward so fast like crazy people.

Because, really, who wants to be crazy??

Men are such babies!

Can I vent? 'Cause I'm going to!!

So, as I've mentioned before, Brad is sick. Now, he did warn me that he's grumpy when he's sick - as I assume most men are since they're such f*#(&ing pansies. I don't get that, but whatever. Men can chop off their fingers and be o.k., but give them a cold and you'd think the world was ending.

Anyway, he's been sick for over a week. All last week I made sure he was o.k., calling, emailing, offering to bring soup or whatever. And on Friday he still wasn't better, but he didn't have to work, so I was thinking that was good so that he could sleep. So I called him on Friday night to check on him at about 6pm, thinking he wouldn't be sleeping yet.

He didn't answer his phone, so I left a message and he called me back after about 20 minutes. I asked him how he was, and instead of telling me how he felt, he proceeded to jump down my throat. He told me that he was too busy and tired to go out with me this weekend and that he didn't know if he'd even be better by next Tuesday. He had too much to do and he was exhausted and that all these late nights with me have made him sick.

Now, was I calling to demand a date? Did I even think that we'd be going out over the weekend? NO! So what the hell was he jumping down my back for? All I wanted to know was how he was feeling and if he needed anything. What is so horrible about that?

And also, if he's blaming being sick on me he can shove it up his @$$! I have never once forced him to stay out late with me. I ALWAYS ask him when it's getting late if he's tired and wants to get going. He never once has said that he's tired. He brags constantly about how little sleep he needs. So what the F@$^K is going and blaming me for?!!!

I was extremely hurt. I would be mad, but I'm just hurt that he has such a negative opinion of me. I want to hurt him back, but that's not right (even though if someone came up with a good one, I would because I'm that shocked). Grrr.

I could have just ignored him and hoped he'd die.

Milky Way

Brad is sick (physically, even though you may think otherwise in general). So yesterday, who gets ill? Yes, me.

I ached all over, deep in my bones. All my joints ached and even my teeth hurt. When I got home from work, I had a fever of a 100° and I was freezing. It was miserable. So I went straight to bed.

I woke up at about 8:00pm and was starving. So, I had a Milky Way bar (because, really, who wants to eat anything other than chocolate when you feel like crap?). And do you know what? I felt totally fine after. This morning my fever and aches are gone, and I feel just like normal (I use that term loosley).

Who know a Milky Way could cure sickness?

Home Sweet Home

Okay, so, sometimes I just overthink things and think too negatively. The last time I posted (sidenote: thanks for trying to figure out who that guy looks like, it was driving me nuts) I was worried that Brad would come back from his trip and decide he could live without me and want to break up.

Well, Thursday night he came and picked me up so we could go out on a date and we were driving around and he says to me that he's talked with his neighbor and he's going to buy a farm so that he can move out and have his own place. I was excited because then I can visit him more when he's living alone, rather than on his dad's farm. He mentioned me living with him, but I was just thinking more on the lines of spending the night sometimes on the weekend or whatever. Not actually moving in, mind you.

So, Monday he calls me and we were going to go out to watch fireworks that night. He said he woke up that morning and decided to buy a farm, went to the bank and got his money for it. All the lady has to do is talk to her lawyer and then when she moves out, he'll move in. And towards the end of the conversation, he says to me, "Now, see if I had my own place and you lived with me, then we wouldn't have to call each other because then I could just come home and see you and we could talk in person." Hmmm. Live together.

So, when he picked me up we drove past the farm in question and talked some more and he definitely wants me to move in with him. He asked me if I had a lot of "shit to move in." I laughed and said no, because I really don't. The farm, by the way, is really cute. The house is white and looks pretty good sized, not huge, but not small. I hope that the inside isn't crappy, but I doubt that it is because everything else outside looks nice.

However, I don't think that I'll move in right away, especially if he doesn't commit to marrying me. I don't want to move in and get invested without some kind of commitment. But I'm thinking he will ask me to marry him within the next couple of months. Then again, I could be wrong. I just don't want to be an idiot about all this - even though the idea of living with him and seeing him every day is really appealing to me.

We'll see what happens. Who knew my life would ever get to this point?!